Free Willy and other reflections

This blog is a random set of thoughts about the potential relationships between the goings-on in men's toilets and human nature and the lessons we can draw from them. There is no relationship between this essay and the 1993 film about the whale, Willy, and a little boy’s quest to set it free from captivity. My use of the term 'willy' will become clearer as you read.

First, a disclaimer: I am not gay. I am also not some wierdo who takes sneak peeks at men while they do their business in male toilets. I am quite happy (thank you!) with my natural gift and whatever confidence boosts accrue from possessing such humble dimensions.

Our loo visits in the course of the day are biologically inevitable. I find that they are God given opportunities to take a break and reflect on life in general. It is a matter of personal opinion though, how long one decides to spend reflecting in the loo. A quick dash in and out is sufficient for some. For others, bowel movements take on therapeutic (nay almost spiritual) connotations. Since bodily exigencies are no respecter of sex, the following examples may apply to both male and female.

In my 30 odd years of loo experience, I've seen many individuals come and go. There are four characters in particular who have triggered this rather odd essay about loo attitudes, etiquette and human nature in general.

Firstly, there's 'Mr. Avoid Eye Contact At All Costs'. Mr. AEC for short. You know this bloke. You've 'hot desked' next to him in the past, bumped into each other a few times at the photocopy and coffee machines and even shared a lift to another floor on the odd occasion. On each of these chance meetings, you've exchanged the courtesy 'acknowledgement nod' or 'polite smile' or even said hello. Mr. AEC may even know your name. While this does not confer you with drinking rights to Mr. AEC, you wonder why, when he bumps into you in the men's, he all of a sudden feigns ignorance of you. As your eyes meet in the wash basin mirror, he quickly averts his. You continue to try to make eye contact but Mr. AEC refuses to do the same. By the way, the objective of your wanting to make eye contact is simply to acknowledge the other's presence with the aforementioned greeting options and not to issue a silent challenge to Mr. AEC for a 'My willy is bigger than yours' contest. You take a deep breath and let it slide. "Such is life", you tell yourself. Mr. AEC washes his hands and moves on; you do the same and move on.
Lesson one: a man who cannot look you in the eye after a satisfying poo may have some deep and unseen troubles lurking behind that impassive expression. Such a man is either ashamed of what he has just done, may be suffering from low self esteem or may be too proud to acknowledge fellow blokes with equally liberating loo experiences!

Secondly, there is 'Mr. Selfish Poo' aka Mr. SP. This bloke thinks it is his birthright to leave the toilet bowl dirtier than he met it. He strides majestically into the cubicle like he owns the place. As he shuts the door, his eye catches the sign which advocates that in the interest of decency and hygiene, he leaves the place in the same state as he would like to meet it. He proceeds to do his business. The size, texture or trajectory of his poo is of no importance to him. He operates by the principle, 'My mess is everybody's mess'. He does the obligatory flush and despite the fact that his pellets are splattered all over the bowl, he walks out without a second thought.
Lesson two: when a man cannot be bothered to clean up after himself, he is also likely to be uninterested in doing his little bit to make the world a more tolerable place for his neighbor. Bear in mind that what you poo this minute may affect others the next minute. If you happen to be the unfortunate bloke who has to use the cubicle Mr. SP just vacated, you might be in for a nasty shock.

The third character is a rather strange one. On two random loo excursions, I met this chap standing in front of the ceiling-to-floor mirror looking at himself. I watched him from the corner of my eye and noticed that every few seconds, he would run his hands through his spiky jet-black Asian hair and turn his face at an angle like a male model in a Gillette razor advert. Finished with my business, I washed my hands, dried them and yet this guy was still there; smug expression, spiky hair and all doing his 'I am too cool' pose. Now there is nothing wrong with taking a post-poo check in the mirror to confirm that the trouser flap, shirt and tie are all set to their default position. I think it rather weird though, that a guy would spend (in my humble opinion) an inordinate amount of time checking himself out in a public loo.
Lesson three: do not entrust your time, resources or emotions to a man who appears to worship his hair at the altar of the men's loo mirror.

Finally, there is Free Willy. This chap is a happy man. He laughs and whistles a tune as he bounces into the men's. He stands at the urinary (ladies, its the small bowl hanging on the wall) and proceeds to unzip his flap, free his willy and do his business. What is so special about this bloke you ask? Well, male tradition dictates that when you pee, you typically hold your willy and direct it at the receptacle in order to avoid unnecessary spillage and accidental misdirection. Free Willy decides to dispense with this cautionary measure. His preference is to stand legs apart, free his willy, place his hands on his hips and let gravity take over as he whistles his merry tune, oblivious of his surroundings. Free, unhindered and fearless is his willy. What courage!
Here is the final lesson: Though his actions appear foolhardy, be willing to listen to the advice of a man like Free Willy. Such a man is probably unafraid of risk taking. He does not have self shame. He is self confident and assured of his abilities. While navigating the difficult pot holes of life, he is positive and cheery. His willy is confident and free and so is he!

The lessons outlined in this blog are simply the random observations of the author. There is no empirical evidence to support these characterisations of human nature. Should you choose to make critical life decisions based on any of these assertions, the responsibility for their success or failure is yours.

The Pro-Unitate stars

Hail the great men of ninety four
Though some indeed were quite a bore!
T'was in sunny June of that year
In Kwali, the village we used to share
We parted ways and scattered afar
To seek fortune, to fame and to star.

It's been a number of years since
Oh! That thought makes me wince
For it seems just like yesteday
We made haste night and day
Not knowing what the future held
Studying, while on dreams we dwelled.

Now some call foreign lands home
Others, our country they still roam
Familiar to a few, are the cries of babies
While many still check out the ladies
Childhood behind, we welcome our thirties
Hardworking still, we roll up our shirt sleeves!

We look to our future in hope
For our dreams shall not elope
Our future is bright; class of nintey four
Great things you shall attain and much more
Wherever you are, no matter how far
You shall be known as the Pro-Unitate stars!