These days all I seem to hear is the question, "So when are you getting married?" Well seeing as I am not a hermaphrodite and cannot marry myself, it is only necessary that I find someone to marry (who by the way also needs to agree to do this marriage business with me). This dating thing is actually more difficult than I thought. Having recently come out of a long term relationship, I feel like a footballer who hasn't kicked a ball all season and now finds that he must play a crucial Champions League game. I am bound to put a foot wrong somewhere.
Like many young unmarried people, there is no shortage of offers to 'help'. I suddenly feel like the object of a charity campaign on British television with slogans screaming 'Your donation can save these dying children'. Conversations with friends and family these days tend to end with questions such as: "Shall I give you my cousin/sister's/friend's number?" or "I know this girl; the two of you would be great together!" I genuinely appreciate the concern and while I do not doubt their sincerity, I doubt that the cacophony of voices is actually helping my case. "Listen to your heart", someone said. Well, the problem is that I cannot trust my heart to decide anything these days.
A few weeks ago, I received a phone call from an uncle. He had just returned from a trip to Atlanta where at a family function, he happened to catch up with his niece, Sade, and learned that she was single. “Bling!” went the light bulb in his head as it immediately occurred to him that Sade and I could be great for one another. In collaboration with Sade's mum, they hatched a plan to 'hook us up'. He explained this to me and my immediate reaction was to object to the whole idea. He insisted that I at least make her acquaintance. He went so far as to offer to set the scene (without the stereotypical Barry White music of course!). I would go over to his place at a prearranged time, he would make the call, introduce us then leave the room, allowing Sade and I to 'meet' each other.
On the appointed day, I arrived one hour late! This was not an attempt to make a grand entrance or appear to be fashionable. Uncle was not happy about it. Sade had waited for 30 minutes and had had to leave. I apologised and waited patiently for 2 hours for Sade to return. In that time, I actually considered calling the experiment off and bolting out the door. When Sade eventually answered the phone, Uncle did his bit, handed me the phone and left the room according to plan.
I had already been given the low down Sade. Two years younger than me and single, her family had relocated from Nigeria when she was 8 years old. She had never been back since (first red flag!). She had gone on to excel as a track and field athlete and many awards and medals later, she won a sports scholarship to study Pharmacy at the prestigious University of Maryland. She was currently in the middle of her internship year and was preparing to launch her career. Uncle had showed me pictures on his computer from his last visit. Sade is quite good looking! Armed with this knowledge, I picked up the conversation making sure to apologise for my lateness. The call was brief. I stammered, sputtered like a faulty engine and spoke incoherently and after 10 minutes, it was clear we had very little in common. We exchanged contact details and promised to keep in touch. I felt unprepared and clueless. I likened my situation to an army sergeant recently discharged from active duty who bewilderingly finds that military tactics employed on the battlefields of Afghanistan are unsuitable for the tranquility of civilian life and even less so in the never-ending 'battle of the sexes'.
Uncle came back into the room with a glint in his eyes and wanted a status update. I explained that I thought it didn't go too well. He encouraged me to overcome my nerves and stick with the process. "She's a very busy girl", he said. "She's used to working with test tubes rather than meeting guys". "Yeah right!" I thought to myself. "Now I'm also supposed to be a lab rat for this weird social experiment?" I respect and appreciate Uncle a lot and I know he only meant well. I therefore decided to follow up the initial contact with Sade with emails, texts and phone calls. Her responses, when she bothered at all, were crisp, unenthusiastic and detached. I didn't need a palm reader to tell me to swallow my pride and stop wasting my time. I silently closed the chapter in my head and mouthed to myself the words, "Never again". I am not angry with Sade. I understand that it must be uncomfortable for her to be the family ‘case’ that everyone wants to solve. Surely, being ‘guided’ to meet some bloke from God-knows-where must be an unnerving experience!
Haruki Murakami, the acclaimed Japanese author in his book ‘What I think about when I am running’ put it very aptly…’I never could stand being forced to do something I didn't want to do at a time I didn't want to do it. Whenever I was able to do something I liked to do, though, when I wanted to do it, and the way I wanted to do it, I'd give it everything I had’. For me, this obviously wasn't one of those times when I felt convinced about a course of action and I therefore was not surprised it ended in failure. I have no doubt that arranged introductions, relationships and marriages work in some cases. When I do decide to get back into dating and relationships, I must be surefooted. No more weird experiments for me!
